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*Warning this is a really long non deal related post. I needed some where to vent so here I am. Who needs therapy when you have a blog? haha*

When I was younger I was diagnosed with epilepsy. I didn't get to experience some of the fun that most teens get. I didn't get my drivers license until I was in my 20s because of my seizures. I was able to get a learners permit my neurologist would not let me drive and there for was not able to get a license once I was old enough like my peers. While they were driving their own set of wheels to and from school and to the parties and such after school I had to rely on Mrs White and Mrs Wilson my bus drivers to get to and from school all the way through my senior year. I hated being a senior and still having to ride the bus but I know if I had been behind the wheel of a vehicle and had a seizure it could have been really bad for me or anyone else near me. So I sucked it up and rode the big banana boat to school every day. Did I hate it back then? Yes I felt left behind as all my friends got their licenses and new cars but now I have had plenty of time to see that it was for the best even if I didn't feel like it at the time.

I had multiple seizures on the bus ride home and any one of those seizures could have been with me driving a car. I was put on medication for my epilepsy. When I would take it like I was supposed to (I was forever forgetting my pills then) I seemed to be ok most of the time. In 2003 was my last seizure, I thought...

Mom, Baby B and I went out for lunch last week to Cracker Barrel. I felt a little odd as we were leaving so I told her she should drive. Now I haven't had a seizure in 8 years and I had no feelings or anything that I used to get for me to realize a seizure would be coming on. Anyways back to Cracker Barrel. We enjoyed lunch. I had the Chef's Country Salad with biscuits and couple glasses of sweet tea. My arms and legs kept getting this all over sore/aching feeling. I had a slight headache but I get headaches so frequently anymore. I sat out in a rocking chair on the Cracker Barrel porch and watched little man and ma play a game of checkers. Then we decided that we would go over to Sam's Club and look around a bit. Our Sam's Club is just across the parking lot from Cracker Barrel and Walmart. We rode over and went inside.

As we were walking around I stopped for a seat at the cafe and still felt achy, tired and kind of dizzy headed. I figured it would just go away on its own and got up and kept walking around. As we were getting to the DVDs and books, mama goes down to one end of the aisle and little man and I stay put as I am getting more achy and dizzy headed. I'm leaning up against a pole by now. I slowly slide myself down the pole and sit on the floor and realize I'm crying. I felt really bad and I didn't know why. As soon as Baby B sees me crying on the floor he starts crying wanting to know what's wrong with mommy. Ma saw me on the floor and came back to me.

Next thing I know I have a woman hovering over me, one over my head and mama down at my feet. Baby B is very emotional now. Turns out I had a seizure right there in the middle of Sam's Club! I was so embarrassed being carted out by an EMT crew to the ambulance. Baby B was all to pieces because they were taking me and he couldn't ride with me. So mama took him and followed the ambulance to the hospital. While in the ambulance I had my head turned to the side away from the EMT and had my eyes shut. She scared the baajeebees out of me when she quickly turned my head towards her and started shining a flashlight in my eyes. She said my blood pressure was showing 248 over whatever the other number was and she thought I was having troubles. Turns out it was a faulty machine! My blood pressure was "normal" for me.

After hours at the ER I'm told that they didn't want to put me right back on medication but that I can not drive until I'm cleared by a neurologist. I called to make an appointment to see the neuro. and here I am 2 days later with no appointment or even a phone call from their office.

I've been flooded with emotions the last couple days. Embarrassed that this all had to happen out in public, Sad that my 4 year old had to see it happen, confused as to why I had a seizure after 8 years without having any all along with wonder. Wndering will the boys remember what to do if this happens again at home while Dad is at work? What will I do if they take my license away now that I have children that depend on me? Why me? Why now? I cry some, ponder some and then try and get back to normal routine so my boys donn't think Mama is losing it.

For those of you who saw my post on Facebook about this over the weekend, thank you all for the emails and messages. It really means a lot to me to know that I have fans and friends who read and follow along with my life online and cared enough to reach out to see if I needed anything. I love my online family just as much as my family here at home. I'd also like to thank the manager at Sam's Club and the random pass byer that happened to be a RN for stopping and helping me until the EMTs got there and of course I am thankful that my mom was there and knew what to do and how to react and help the little one understand what was happening to mama.

If you've been reading and you made it this far down do you or anyone you know live with epilepsy or seizures? I've been googling and searching on what could be the cause of the out of the blue seizure while I sit and wait for an appointment at the neurologist and pray that there won't be another seizure.